I started this post nearly three weeks ago and have considered completely deleting it many times. There's something about this chapter in my life that - while very cathartic and healing to write about - is not glamorous or even attractive. At the risk of presenting myself as a train wreck, I've come back to this post and know in my soul it's something I must share.
confession : I've been dwelling in the land of bitterness and self-indulgence. For the past week, I've really wanted to sit down and write but every time I start to think about what I want to write it's just another complaint. Another frustration. Another heavy laden sigh about this 'trial' or that 'tribulation.' I wrote about feeling SAD last month and while I believe there is validity in experiencing the winter blues I also believe that indulging in those winter blues - or any other blues in ones life - can get a person entangled in a dangerous downward spiral. And while I do not have the luxury of suiting up and heading out for a run to sweat the stress and fog and depression away, I've realized I don't have to dwell on the loss.
This is what I've been doing over the past four years. Every time one more thing is taken away from me, I dwell on that loss. I get angry about it. I get frustrated by it. I compare myself to other people who can still do the things that I once did and I become bitter. And instead of mourning it and letting it go, I dwell on it. Then I start wondering what I did to deserve that loss. I'm pretty sure this cycle leads to festering and swelling and pain and MORE loss.
This is a journey. A crazy, un-mapped journey. But despite knowing that, I keep trying to force the turns and uncover the answers to my questions in fanatical magic eight ball style. While I've had moments - seasons, even - in my faith that have danced among the highest peaks I would say this season has been one of continual doubt and cynicism. I've become somewhat of a cynical Christian, thinking that God doesn't hear my prayers or God no longer loves me or I'm no longer important enough to be bothered with. There are people in worse situations, after all. But still, in all my cynicism, frustration and doubt I have hung on to a shred of hope that at some point I would see clearly that I am still on God's radar. I've prayed and plead for even the smallest (but CLEAR) sign that this is true.
Last night (as in February 20th, back in real time), after another tearful display of emotion surrounding the frustration with my circumstances and deep rooted fear of the unknown with questions like, will I ever get better, does God even care, am I in this alone... (I could go on) I decided to pick up two of the books that rest - mostly untouched - on my beside table and read.
The first:
Learn to live from you true Center in Me. I reside in the deepest depths of your being, in eternal union with your spirit. It is at this deep level that My Peace reigns continually. You will not find lasting peace in the world around you, in circumstances, or in human relationships. The external world is always in flux--under the curse of death and decay. But there is a gold mine of Peace deep within you, waiting to be tapped. Take time to delve into the riches of My residing Presence. I want you to live increasingly from your real Center, where My Love has an eternal grip on you. I am Christ in you, the hope of Glory.
emphasis mine.
For a moment I didn't really want to see the connection but as I poked Case and had him read it aloud to me, it all really started to sink in. My desire to control my circumstances and my situation only lead to frustration and disappointment because there is no way that I can secure any specific outcome. No matter how badly I desire it or work for it. That is not to say that hoping and working are bad things to do but they have become idols for me. I am trying to find peace in the hoping and the working instead of in my true Center. Next step, downward spiral.
A few excerpts from the second, which reads much like a book of prayers written as blessings for the reader:
I bless you with freedom from the fear of man and from an unhealthy fear of God. I bess you with being like Gideon, seeing and experiencing the presence of God in the middle of a crisis situation. I bless you with having current experiences of God's presence, provision and intervention.
I bless you with going to the Word of God and seeing specific promises your Father has made to you, being able to stand on those promises and savoring the joy, the security and the excitement that comes when your Father answers your prayers based on His specific promises. Gideon saw himself as a survivor in a hostile environment, but God saw him as a mighty warrior, one w ho would free the entire nation from the Midianite invasion. When Gideon accepted that identity, he began to experience peace.
I bess you with the profound truth of knowing who you are. I bless you with having peace based on your identity in your Father's provision, protection and purposes. I bless you with embracing your identity and realizing that God calls you to battle, He will be there with you and for you, and your victory will lie in His hand, not in your expertise or resources.
I know these excerpts may not mean much to those reading them here on my blog - and there was so much more than just these written words that were sources of encouragement for me last night - but for me, in these words there was a sense of Presence and communication that I have felt so disconnected from for so long. These things I have been struggling so deeply with - peace, presence, provision, intervention, protection and purpose - were all addressed in a such a clear and concise way.
With Lent upon us, I have been considering something that would be meaningful for me to give. I've never been one of those people that does a daily devotional. I don't know how many times I've tried it but it has consistently fallen flat. However, I feel I am to give my time. Time to read and pray and reflect. On God's peace, presence, provision, intervention, protection and purpose.
I'm looking forward to sharing!
